My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
