I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
