It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
