I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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