just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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