I just made out with a guy for $7.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize