im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
