please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
