I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
