i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
someone threw a dead crab at me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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