She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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