I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
