woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You left your phone here
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