Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
