I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize