Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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