shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
