i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
