I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
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