Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
