we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
