Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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