well you can't waste a boner
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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