The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
