She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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