I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
