More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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