I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
