I am in a vortex of obligation.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
