Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
