If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
