Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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