about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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