i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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