I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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