You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
