this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
