I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
