Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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