i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
