I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize