I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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