So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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