I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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