Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
