i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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