Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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