Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
