think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
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