Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
