I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
