if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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