You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
