dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
