Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize