What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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