I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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