2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
