Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize