My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
