This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
