I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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