God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
