I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
