he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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